Thirteen Months and Counting, Kind Of
2005-02-01 @ 11:14 p.m.
Yeah, there was a rather depressing entry before this, whatever.
This whole growing up process sucks, a lot. Sometimes I just want to break out of this house and pretend like I'm this adult person who can do everything for themselves, even though I know I can't. Not just yet.
I'm becomming increasingly hostile towards my sister Lizzy, because I can't take what she's doing to herself and the reactions her actions cause my family. She has no regard for anyone else but herself, typical fifteen year old, right? Sure, but it's different when you're smoking, sleeping around, and completely insane. I can't stand her, and worst of all I can't stand anyone who has any sort of sympathy for her. I'm not saying I want it, because honestly, I don't, I just want people to stop feeding her ego. She's not cool, she's not pretty, she's just a dumb kid. She's driving me to the breaking point. Some days I will do anything to get out of the house, or picture myself doing anything to get out, and it scares me sometimes. Why can't I just have a home that I want to do just that, go home to?
The Sam and Angela situation just, agitates me, because they're both so different. Sam cares about Angela, Angela doesn't care about Sam, they both want sex, but they're too immature for it. I don't know, sometimes I just want to slap them and be like, 'WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO!?' Not that it would matter though, they're both entirely too hard headed to listen to me. Only, Angela(she's such a suck up ladies and gentlemints, I love you Angela) is realizing stuff a little bit more now. I know that Sam's going to really get hurt and I feel bad for keeping it from him, but I know that I have to be loyal to Angela. My matching skills seem to work, but if Angela and Sam are the results, people might want to be a little bit more careful with my plans. Sometimes I wonder if Angela realizes what strong emotions she's playing with, and the same with Sam. I think they're both oblivious to a lot of things.
Natalya and Greg are still cute, I swear, the ONLY time I saw him smile today was when he was with her in the student center. He's been kind of pulling away from me a little bit, but I think that might just be because Alex S. is always around whenever we usually talk, and I know he doesn't like him. That, and I think I just generally annoy a lot of people, including Greg. We still get on very well in English though.
I think that Dave is falling in love with another girl. I could be completely imagining this, but I don't think I am. I feel sort of helpless in knowing this and not being able to do anything about it. I don't want to say something and then find out that I was way off base. I feel like I'm losing him, and it makes me sad. I've finally admitted to myself and others that I am in love with him completely, and now I feel like he's just no realizing he never felt such feelings for me. Maybe I'm just imagining things, but I have a reasonable hunch that I'm not imagining anything at all.
Sometimes the mere though of him just makes me want to break down and sob.
I'm such an f'ing wuss.
I need to start taking better care of myself before it's too late.
'And you're bad news
My friends told me to leave you,
Said you're bad news, bad news, bad news'
I just need a vacation from me.
So much to look forward too, but time is moving too slowly.
-SaM
Last 5
Cool Kids, They Belong Together - 2005-03-16
Sleep Soundless - 2005-03-14
The Best Thing I Need - 2005-03-14
To All Of Ye Good Men - 2005-03-13
The Black Label Society are Blasting My Ears So Good - 2005-03-11