Fucking High School Gossip
2005-02-03 @ 6:33 p.m.
Man, Vince and Sam can be real jackasses when they want to be. I love them to pieces though.
Greg's a really weird guy. He's quiet about a lot of things, and he has a way of talking in circles. Sometimes, he's just a jackass too. Sometime he acts like an idiot and says stupid stuff. Does he mean what he says? I really don't think so, I think a lot of it is just for show. Sometimes he catches a case of penis syndrome. Or, he just acts like a normal healthy somewhat derranged teenage boy.
Anyway, I haven't had any time to talk to Natalya alone, as people seem to always be around. This is not a bad thing! Just bad when they're all spewing what they 'heard' and not what they know.
Vince and Sam are still upset with Greg, it's obvious. Greg is still upset with Vince and Sam. Both factors are out in plain sight. I think that Vince and Greg are adjusting to not constantly being around each other, they are, or, dare I say, 'were' BEST FRIENDS, they spent every moment together. They both claim to not like each other anymore, but I think that a lot of it is just to prove to the other that they don't care anymore. They both definetly care. Maybe I'm just romanticizing the whole situation, but I doubt it. Boys are weird in situations like this. It's so hard to get direct answers out of them.
I think that Greg likes Natalya, a lot, actually, I know he does. The other day we talked about how he claims to need her, and how he's never met anyone like her. I'm around that boy an awful lot, and I've never seen him smile like that before. I do, however, realize that he's really immature when it comes to relationships. I don't think he knows how to handle himself, and I think he's afraid of the the 'guys' will think of him if he opens up too much. He's got some serious committment phobia hooked up in there, or like I said, teenage boy syndrome. I don't know if he's what Natalya needs, because Greg is a great guy, but Natalya is an even greater girl. I think the relationship she's looking for is something that Greg, at his age and maturity level, can't give. Then again, I can't be sure of this, maybe Greg IS capable of what she's looking for.
There has been talk of Greg 'using' Natalya, but I think if he were using her situations would be different. He seems really affectionate towards her, and he speaks highly of her. I, however, do no have a penis, and I do not have Greg's brain, so I can't be 100% sure of what his actions mean, and maybe I think to highly of him, but I doubt it.
Honestly, I think that Greg and Natalya need to talk and lay it all out. Then again, this is all merely what I 'think', half of the time I'm pretty sure I'm just full of bullshit. Who knows though, maybe I have a point.
Okay, now that I've finished with the adorable duo, it's time to move onto the other not-so lovable couple.
All this week, I have tried whatever I can to make Angela happy. NOTHING works, which is fine, she can rot in her own depression for all I care, I just wish she didn't have to drag me down with her in everything she does. I love her, she's one of my best friends, but sometimes I wonder if she ever looks out for anyone but herself. I can't remember the last time we've talked about anything(in a serious manner) that wasn't directly related to her. I am always ready and willing to be excited for her, to be happy with whatever she's doing. I could tell her that I just got a job at Alternative Press and she'd probably just look at me. I have never seen such an ugly side of her as I am now. It makes me feel like such shit, I feel like I'm just her doormat, and she can scrape whatever dogshit in her shoes on me, and I'll just sit there and smile. I have been, for a long time now. Sometimes I wonder if we're both hanging onto something that just isn't there anymore.
I haven't seen any sign of her caring about me or anything else in such a long time. I miss the old Angela, but I don't think she remembers how to be that person anymore.
Believe me, I've tried telling all of this to her in person before, but she doesn't listen. She doesn't think about what she says before she says it to me, and how it might hurt MY feelings, fuck her feelings. I just want her to be a little bit more sensitive, because she's making me feel like the worst friend in the world right now, and I hate it. I just want to be Angela and Sam, those two friends that can talk about anything forever. Right now, we're Angela and Sam, those two bitches who can barely get a sentence out without wanting to slap the other person. I just want her to talk to me! To tell me what's really going on and not to have such a negative attitude!
I don't think I've ever felt compelled to swear this much, ever. I'm just so fed up with the dishonesty and the lies.
Which leads me to Samuel, the only person I'm not even really mad at. He doesn't even answer my phone calls anymore if Angela's on the phone with him! Or going to call him, or he's going to call her.What the hell? When they're on the phone together they don't even talk, at all. I know, they both tell me. I want to talk to him, he seems to be one of the only people save for Vince, Dave, and Natalya who seems to enjoy talking with me. We don't fight all of the time, or have bad attitudes with one another. Save for a few misunderstood truths, he's mostly pretty honest with me. I miss talking to him, and being able to hang out with him. At least he doesn't tell me I'm boring.
Sometimes I just want to spend time, the three of us, the six of us, all together. To joke and laugh and have a wonderful time like we used too. Sometimes I get sick of it always being 'Angela and Boy Sam are going to be together, alone,' I miss just being able to spend time with them without feeling like this unwanted leftover.
We had so much fun last Saturday, Vince, Sam, Brynne, Natalya and I. Or at least, that seemed to be the consensus. My rational as of now is that relationships just plain suck. Especially if everyone is friends with everyone else. It leaves a very little marginal area for error.
I'm so fed up right now, and so just, lonely. I just want to talk to people, and for them to talk back and be honest! I love all of my friends, and right now I feel like the middle person to the extreme. Everyone is coming to me for information who said what.
*sigh*
Okay, now that I have gotten all of that off of my brain, I feel a little better. Sometimes it's just nice to sort it all out in words. Sometimes it's all lost and confusing, and then I don't know how to explain things to my friends.
There will be an entry with substance later, this was just a rant that I had to get out of my system.
-SaM
**Note**
To all of the people who know me in person, and happen to read this diary, this entry was not directed at you. Everything in here, may, or may not get to you in person. It's just an expression of everything I'm getting right now, and probably has nothing really to do with you. For all you know, next time I speak to you I could change my opinion on everything. Don't hold me responsible for what I write in my personal journal.
Thank you very much. Very very much. I love you.
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