There's Only One Thing You Should Know, I Tried So Hard, and Got So Far, But In The End, It Doesn't Even Matter, I Had to Fall, To Lose It All
2005-02-07 @ 10:09 p.m.
For the somewhat serious part of my entry:
The top five things you can do or have that would up the chances of me sleeping with you:
1.Have a mohawk.
2.Ride a motorcycle.
3.Be in a potentially great band, or already amazing band.
4.Wear a leather jacket.
5.Be named Dave.
And now for the fucked up part of my entry:
So, I was watching the Osbournes tonight. I know, I know, not my life, just similar drug-wise.
All of my siblings have royally fucked things up for my mother. We have all at some point disappointed her in a major way that most mother's never have to deal with. Drugs, sex, alcohol, attempted suicide, rehab, prison, divorce, and betrayl. We have all, at some point, committed some act of defiance that can't be forgiven. We have screamed at her, called her names, sobbed, made her cry, and basically made ourselves look like idiots. We are all screw ups.
I can not even imagine what she thinks when she goes over her life and realizes that she's raised five children who have not gone anywhere. A daughter who lives in the middle of nowhere and knows nothing. A son who can't control the angry daddy-less syndrome flowing through his veins. A daughter who left everyone behind for something she didn't want. A daughter who makes up lies and sneaks around just to hurt her family. And finally me, the weird one who can't seem to be normal for her, not even for just one day.
I have ALWAYS been the black sheep of the family. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't believe in casual sex. I go to concerts and date a boy who listens to punk rock and is odd just like me. I have strong opinions that make no sense, and I hold no guarentee that I will go to college. I possess knowledge but I can't control my anger and emotions. I make sense but in a hard to follow way. I lash out and say things I don't mean. I like being in the city.
You'd think that would make me a member of the family wouldn't you? Considering my odd combination of relatives and immediate family it only casts me as an outsider. I don't smoke with them at the dinner table, I can't contribute to conversations about what rehab is like, and I haven't runaway for more than two days at a time. I don't fit in. They don't understand me. Sometimes I wonder if they really try. Maybe my older siblings. Maybe.
My mother is approaching 21 years of sobriety. She is the only thing holding our strange and fiesty family together. The glue in our angst ridden ways.
I love all of my siblings, I appreciate them, and I respect them(save for the young brat named Lizzy). I understand that their lives have been hard, and that they have lifted themselves up to a place that they didn't think they could ever reach.
I can't see myself settling for less than the life I want. It scares me that I know it could easily happen. I recognize that if I don't work hard enough, if I trip up, if I take one hit, my life is virtually over. I understand that, and it only forces me to work even hard to prevent myself from becoming 'that girl'. That girl who had potential but ruined it when she let her boyfriend knock her up, or because she decided to get drunk at a party and never stopped being drunk.
It scares me that I could be stuck in a gutter for the rest of my life, and that I feel powerless over my future. I know I'm not powerless, but sometimes I am at a loss of how to feel like I am in control.
I want to make my mother proud, I want to show her that I can surpass my siblings's fucked up reality. I want to show her that while I enjoy what is percieved as the 'darker' side of life, it is really the light and that it makes me happy. I want to show her that my sarcasm is going to take my places, that my writing has REAL potential and that I will do my best not to forget who I am inside. I want to show her that I can make it without a man in my life. I've made it this far without a real father, I can take it farther. I want to show her that I can be in love and not be used. I want to show her that I can be independant. I want to show her what music means to me, what it has done to save my soul. I want to show her my world and I want her to be okay with it.
I want to show my siblings that they can follow their dreams too, that it's not impossible. I want to show them that they can make their lives what they want them to be, that it's not over yet. I want them to know that I love them and that I don't think I'm better than them. I want to be there for them and I want them to be there for me.
I want my family, to be just that, a family.
I am sick of the fighting and of the drama. I am sick of the custody battles and the deaths. I am sick of the lies and the disgusting truths. I am sick of not being able to sit in a room with the people who share the same blood as me and not be able to look them in the eye because I'm afraid of what I'll see.
I am sick of screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hearing me. I am sick of whispering and no one listening.
I want all of this to be over, I want things to change. We can be a successful family, we can show all of the people who doubt us, who look down on us.
We may not have the money, or as many opportunities, but we have the undying heart to exist in the world of those who are seen.
I want to make my family proud. I know that they want me to do the same.
I just hope that my definition of proud is satisfactory enough for them.
-SaM
Hope That Made Sense
Last 5
Cool Kids, They Belong Together - 2005-03-16
Sleep Soundless - 2005-03-14
The Best Thing I Need - 2005-03-14
To All Of Ye Good Men - 2005-03-13
The Black Label Society are Blasting My Ears So Good - 2005-03-11