It's Okay Dad, Go Be With Joanie Now
2005-02-12 @ 9:36 a.m.
Last night, with his family in the room, my grandfather passed away. He was eighty-five years old, and he and my grandmother had been together for over sixty years. He has four children, eleven grandchildren, and eleven great grandchildren. He lived a good life.
I have not been able to stop crying since then. I am right now. Some people aren't closs with their grandparents but, they're the glue in my family. I love my grandfather so much, and even though he had alzheimers, and he hadn't of really been 'here' with us for a while, he was still my grandpa. The nurse said it best, 'He's had one foot in heaven for a long time now, and now he's finally got both feet in the door. He's lived a long life, a happy life.'
I was at home with my mom and my boyfriend Dave when we got a call from my Aunt Sherri, and she said that we'd better get there quickly. I don't know why, but I just started sobbing right there and then, it didn't feel real. For a split second I considered staying at home with Dave, but I knew I had to go with my mom, I had to be there for her. Dave held me, he rubbed my back, and he told me that things would be okay. He was such an amazing and great boyfriend and he didn't make me feel bad at all, it was so hard to say goodbye to him. We got to kiss for a few minutes before we had to depart, and now I completely understand the passion that comes along with grief. You just want to lose yourself in kisses.
We dropped David off at the station, and I ran and hugged him really quickly and ran back to the car, and then we made the hour long treck to see my grandpa.
I wasn't prepared in the slightest to see my grandfather. They finally moved him down to his own room, and he was lying there still with his head back and mouth cocked open so that he could try to get air in. His weak body was struggling to bring in breath after breath. He didn't have his teeth in so his face was distorted, but he was a handsome as ever. His feet and hands were turning blue for circulation and the nurse kept on bringing in morphine so that he didn't feel any pain.
I still remember him when he was in the healthy ward and smiling and mumbling and calling me Suzy Q. I couldn't handle seeing him.
We walked into the room and my uncle Frank and cousin Frankie were in the very corner by the window. My cousin Jill was sitting next to my cousin Frankie's wife Sandy(nobody likes her, I wish I didn't even have to see her at all), and my Aunt Sherri was walking around. My grandmother was sitting in the chair next to my grandpa's bed.
Everyone was crying, teary eyed, or just dead silent. My grandmother kept on crying, and the only time I've ever seen her cry before was when my Aunt Joanie died. My Aunt Joanie was only 54, and she died of cancer. Last night was just one big reminder of her long and hard haul of struggling to keep her life.
I can hear my mom crying upstairs. This is so hard to type.
I couldn't look at my grandpa, but I kept taking glances, but my tears usually blurred my vision. I called my brother DJ and told him to come and I broke down on the phone with him, I talked to Angela and I think I might of been crying then too, but I don't remember. My older sister Dana and her husband Andy were on their way. My Uncle John and my dad's only son was driving as fast as he could. My sister Lizzy was with her boyfriend, thank goodness, I don't think I could have dealt with her there. I couldn't cry and fight with her at the same time.
My Uncle Frank convinced my grandma to leave my grandpa for a little while, to get something to eat. We all weren't really sure that it was a good idea, but nobody knew what was about to happen. We thought we'd be there all night.
My cousin Frankie(who I love, but I'm glad he left because then Sandy left with him too) and Sandy left because they had to go home and be with their children.
It was just my cousin Todd(my second favorite cousin, next to Jeremy, I love Todd, we all do) and his wife Rosie(I love her to), and my mom and I. My grandfather started having trouble breathing, more so than before. His color changed drastically and the hospice nurse came in and was in the room with us. She said it was his time. My cousin Todd frantically called my grandmother, and told them to hurry back, immediately. They would end up being too late.
My mother just started sobbing, and my cousin Todd had been crying, Rose too. I was too, but a lot quieter than my mom. My grandfather was taking his last few breaths and my mom nelt next to his bed and took his hand and I was rubbing her back trying to console her. She said 'Go be with Joanie now Dad. It's okay, go be with Joanie now.' My grandfather took his final breath and I was one of the only five people, four of my family, three of blood, to be in the room with him. My mother gave him permission to finally rest in peace. To go eat the good icecream up in heaven with the God he's prayed to his entire life.
My Uncle John came running in, just a few seconds, barely, after my grandpa had passed. He ran to my mom, his baby sister and told me to let him help her. I felt relieved a little bit. I kept telling my mom that it was okay that Grandma wasn't there with him. My mom was the baby in the family, and she had every right to be with him, as much as anyone else in the family. My grandfather loved his little girl.
Then, my grandmother appeared in the elevator and came running, in her old lady way to the room. She started sobbing and going 'Is he gone!? Is he gone!? No John, don't leave me! John, I love you! What am I going to do without you!' And she was crying into his chest and just, oh my goodness, I've never ever seen her like that, or anyone for that matter. My Uncle John hugged her and helped her a little bit though, thank God.
Everyone at this point was sobbing, completely. I was, my cousin Todd was, Sherri, Rose, Uncle Frank, Jill(who takes care of my grandma and was very close to my grandpa), everyone. It was an awful experience and there was nothing anyone could do about it.
My sister Dana showed up soon after and she started crying and held my grandma and my mom, my mom just latched onto her. Even my brother-in-law Andy had tears in his eyes.
Everyone loved my grandpa, and we all still do.
M brother finally arrived, my grandpa for a long time was the only father figure in his life. When he came in my mom hugged him and couldn't let go. I'm so glad that he came, we need him there. I know that I gripe about him a lot, but he helps keep this family together and I needed him last night.
The hospice kept trying to find a pastor to come pray with us, but they were all away at that time of night, but they did try.
So, we had our own prayer. We all got into a circle and held hands and said the prayer I learned when I was little. I couldn't say the words though, I couldn't even talk. I just mumbled them. I held Andy's hand and Jill's hand.
My grandfather was a great man. He enjoyed card games, sweets, women, family, and Al Capone. When my mom was little he used to bring her the newest edition of paper dolls home with him on Sunday, even though my grandma told him not to spend so much money on them. A pack of cigarettes were twenty-cents, and dolls were thirty-five. :-P He used to cheat at cards with my sister, even though they both denied it until the end. He would sing praise before dinner. He gave the best hugs. He loved my grandmother, even if he did fall in love with her rear-first. :-P
I wish that I didn't have to see him like that last night. I wish that I could simply remember him as the vibrant man who would dance with you and let you stand on his feet. The man who would sneak you candy even if it was before dinner. I wish I could remember that man. Not the pale, sickly, shell of my grandfather, I wish I didn't have to remember him this way.
I am glad I went though, I'm glad I was there for his last hours on earth. I just wish that this wasn't so hard.
I wish that my heart didn't hurt so badly.
I wish I could have my Grandpa back.
He will always be in my heart, as a sweet and caring man.
-SaM
To all of my friends, I'm going to be hard to reach for a while. I'm going to be going back and forth from my grandma's and aunt Sherri's and on Monday is the funeral. I won't be in school. If you call and I don't pick up, leave a message and I'll eventually get back to you. Thanks.
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