Say Anything to Me, I Will Heed Your Words
2005-03-26 @ 2:47 a.m.
Teehee, I'm listening to Good Charlotte and it's making me think way back to when I was a whole lot younger.
Anyway, I had a wonderful conversation with a good friend tonight and it made me feel fluffy on the inside.
I have reached the conclusion that a lot of the time, people choose to do drugs and drink because they have yet to experience the downfall of such actions. All they know is that it feels good and that people around them think it's cool. Then someone dies or gets sent to the hospital, or even just away, and it isn't so cool anymore. This has led me to reason that the reason so many of the lovely lame suburban kids in my area are so quick to turn to illegal substances. They aren't exposed to the reality of their actions. A lot of the time parent's shelter there kids to a point where they aren't afraid of anything.
I say, kick them to the curb for a weekend and see if they ever show a sign of being stupid ever again.
'When darkness falls I'm letting go
All alone but I feel fine...'
I have an unhealthy regard towards most of the kids at my school. I dislike many of them, to a point where I can't even hear talk about them without becomming aggrivated. I am working on it though. Snowball taught me that I don't know everyone's entire story. There are things that I might not know, and then I feel stupid for judging them.
After Snowball it's hard to judge anyone without immediately feeling guilty. So, I've got my own little system of mental shocks. I'm going to work on it over time.
Sometimes I wonder if people think I haven't had any struggles in my life because I can sit with the classy people and fit right in. Maybe I should put myself outside of the glass ball.
'It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother's heart
You broke your children for life
It's not okay
But we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But that was just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years just trying to survive
Now I'm writing just to tell you I'm alive...'
As I look into the future, I've been thinking a lot about my dad. My dad isn't a terrible dad, but he has never been there for me. He never hugged me when I cried, he was never there for me when Lizzy was ruining our lives, and he walked out on me. The man basically disowned me for nine months of my very young life, right when I needed him the most. He is still chasing women instead of choosing to move closer to his daughters. I've learned to deal with it better but it still hurts. Sometimes a friend's dad will drive me home and make sure I get inside, or talk about how their daughter can't date until their thirty, and I feel left out. I'm never going to have that close relationship with my father, he's never going to care if I'm being taken care of, or who I'm dating. I think that might be why I'm constantly looking for a good father in the men in my life that I'm close too. Not right away of course, but in the future I wonder if they'll be good to their children. I think I do it because it brings me comfort and makes me see that there are good men in this world, who do take care of their families.
Lately I've been thinking about going into social work. I've always wanted to open a teen shelter in the city, to try and open kids eyes to something they could be missing in their life. I'm not out to be a martyr, I just know that in your darkest times it's nice to have somewhere to go. Then again, this option for a future also goes hand in hand with touring, managing, creative writing, and becoming a journalist. We'll see, I can probably pull them all off at some point.
Speaking of which, I still need to write that poem about the library. I could use the fifty bucks. I've got records to buy.
This month has been getting even more insteresting as it goes on. I feel like I am making important decisions for my life, and growing a little. At the same time though, I feel like I'm trapped in this teenage world, and as soon as I graduate high school everything will be in complete dissaray.
I am tired of changing friends every year or two. Right now I am so in love with all of my friends, and they are so amazing to me. I want to keep them, and maybe gain more, but, please Lord, no more rotating. I don't think my heart could handle it anymore. It needs time to heal. Old bruises and new wounds are tender.
I am happy with my life right now. Things are changing but they are progressing and I am coming into my own. I like that I can talk to a friend and help them and they can share words of support just the same. That's all high school is about anyway, developing social bonds and skills. I am learning how to communicate with my family better too. Snowball really did snowball my life.
'Please don't walk away
I know you want to stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, Say anything...'
Life is good.
Life goes on.
-SaM
*Entry Before This*
Last 5
Hey Hey Hey I'm The One - 2005-03-30
To Megan - 2005-03-29
To Someone - 2005-03-29
Walking Dead-Chester Bennington Vocals on DJ Z-Trip FUCKING GOOD - 2005-03-28
Ever Since I've Met You - 2005-03-27